Endings. It’s like it’s a dirty word. We’re always encouraged to look for the next thing and to run headlong into the future, especially if it’s exciting. But how often do any of us actually ‘do’ endings?
Yesterday my old rugby club’s 1st XV won promotion to the London leagues and it brought back how I left and the relationships that were severed as a result. One day I was the Director of Rugby, the next I was a nobody for them. At the time I felt great as I’d just moved to a club far higher in the RFU pyramid, and leaving was the right move for me and the club. But I forgot the basics of good communication and didn’t have an ending, just a beginning at my new club. It’s taken quite a lot of work to understand and examine how I felt and get to a point where I can be genuinely happy for the club (it is a fantastic club) and not see their promotion after my departure as a kick in the teeth. It doesn’t undermine what the club achieved while I was there. Sounds really obvious when I write it, but can you honestly say you only have goodwill for your ex’s? My leaving the club brought to an end an all-consuming and amazing relationship that lasted about 30months, far longer than any romantic relationships have lasted in my life.
When I talk of endings, I’m not just looking at negative ones, but also the positive ones. If you get a promotion at work, within the same team, do you ever bother commemorating the move? Yet in essence you have ended your past relationships, and will be starting new ones with the same people. Most of the time this will be hugely exciting, but the end of the old role will leave residual feelings that should be acknowledged. My last promotion saw me move less than ten feet; an email went round and that was that. But my old boss was now a peer, the banter I had with the guys I sat next to a thing of the past. Sure, we still chat when we work together, but the office dynamic that had been there has gone forever. I challenge even the most cold and stone hearted to not find that at least a little sad. There is the temptation to treat somebody’s resignation or move as the moment a sovereign dies, hailing the new monarch above remembering the old.
A few weeks ago I finished the classroom element of a certificate at Regents University, and I’m starting this blog rather than finishing off my essays. Why? I think to a large degree it’s fear as once I’ve done these essays, then the bonds and experience I had over ten very emotive weekends will truly have ended. The final day of the course was a lesson in how to end; we spent time talking about the beginning we’d had, reflected on our experiences and gave gifts to each other. Never again will we be that same group, and my procrastination is a desire to keep the relationships going, at least in my conscious mind.
A simple phrase is worth remembering; every ending creates a beginning, and every beginning creates an end. So to ignore endings is to ignore half of our experience. Worth bearing in mind isn’t it?
When I talk of endings, I’m not just looking at negative ones, but also the positive ones. If you get a promotion at work, within the same team, do you ever bother commemorating the move? Yet in essence you have ended your past relationships, and will be starting new ones with the same people. Most of the time this will be hugely exciting, but the end of the old role will leave residual feelings that should be acknowledged. My last promotion saw me move less than ten feet; an email went round and that was that. But my old boss was now a peer, the banter I had with the guys I sat next to a thing of the past. Sure, we still chat when we work together, but the office dynamic that had been there has gone forever. I challenge even the most cold and stone hearted to not find that at least a little sad. There is the temptation to treat somebody’s resignation or move as the moment a sovereign dies, hailing the new monarch above remembering the old.
A few weeks ago I finished the classroom element of a certificate at Regents University, and I’m starting this blog rather than finishing off my essays. Why? I think to a large degree it’s fear as once I’ve done these essays, then the bonds and experience I had over ten very emotive weekends will truly have ended. The final day of the course was a lesson in how to end; we spent time talking about the beginning we’d had, reflected on our experiences and gave gifts to each other. Never again will we be that same group, and my procrastination is a desire to keep the relationships going, at least in my conscious mind.
A simple phrase is worth remembering; every ending creates a beginning, and every beginning creates an end. So to ignore endings is to ignore half of our experience. Worth bearing in mind isn’t it?
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